Column: Too fat to fly? Deal with it.
Silent Bob hasn’t been so silent recently (cliché news story opening accomplished).
Last week, director/actor/geek spokesmodel Kevin Smith started a Twitter campaign against Southwest Airlines after he was bumped from a flight on account of his size.
If you want the full story, listen to Smith’s hour-and-a-half detailing of the events on his podcast, Smodcast.
I’ve been a fan of Smith’s work since I was a youngling. I was also a fat kid (now I’m more of a stocky one).
Despite my past allegiances, I cannot side with the heavy folks in this regard.
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Column: The Breast of a Bad Situation
Australia, I get it. You are known in history as a penal colony where the Europeans dropped off their refuse like a lazy trash collector. It’s not so bad.
Our own country, like so many others, was built on slavery and the raping of a native people. But your recent actions are too much. Overcompensating by enforcing Victorian-era values is the wrong direction. What’s at stake is the most precious thing of all: women’s breasts.
The story was first released by the Australian Sex Party (an actual political party), which alone is awesome for existing. In an attempt to discourage child pornography, A-cup sized breasts are to be banned from films and magazines.
IDS Opinion: The new Facebook rules
Despite the sleepless nights I suffer over finding a job after graduation, the thing I wonder most about my future is how I’ll handle Facebook. I abandoned MySpace in high school, deciding that a site full of spam messages from bands was not the social networking I desired. Will we slowly abandon Facebook as we get older?
Will those of us who remain in CEO Mark Zuckerberg’s black hole of time be seen as those guys who hang around high school years after they graduate? Like Matthew McConaughey in “Dazed and Confused,” we can always return to the site as a resource for young, naive girls.
As recent events have developed in online affairs, it might be the best thing for us to jump ship as soon as possible. Personal information has always been a mixed bag with Facebook: some reduce their profiles to nothing more than a picture and an e-mail address, while others use status updates to openly talk about their babies’ daddies. (more…)
IDS Column: Fools of a Took
A few weeks ago, the Democrats won their struggle to get the health care bill through the Senate . And I mean “won” as in “entirely lost sight of their original plans and produced a victory that is unintelligible to the American public.”
On “Countdown,” Rachel Maddow announced the bill’s passage and smirked like a librarian who had just reinvented the Dewey Decimal System. She seemed happy so I guessed I should be, too. I tried to reach down into my soul and pull out a sense of elation. Instead, the dark devil of reason appeared on my shoulder and snickered, “You fool! This is a false hope! That girl you’ve been chatting with on Facebook isn’t into you either.”
IDS Column: Give Comcast A Chastity Belt
Comcast purchased controlling stock in NBC Universal last week, and I cried in my bed about what it might mean for the future of television.
As I ran through the streets howling about the oncoming doom, I was met with little sympathy. Screaming paranoia isn’t a new thing for me, but I’m shocked at the casual disregard we take toward powerful companies.
People no longer cower in fear when they hear about “The Man.” Google is positioning itself to merge with our dreams via this newfangled Google Wave, and scientists have pioneered walking robots that can’t be tripped. The Matrix is real, people!
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IDS Column: Call of Doodie
The hype machine for “Call of Duty: Modern Warfare 2” has gotten to me.
Out of fear for my grades, I swore it off until Thanksgiving break. That didn’t stop me from spending time between papers watching webcams of people playing the game.
Yes, ladies, I’m single.
IDS Column: Buy me out of love
Sometimes, when a man loves a woman a whole bunch (or when a man gets a woman pregnant), they get married.
Sometimes these two people will discover during the years that they’re very different and get divorced. If they work through their differences and stick together, they become material for a sitcom on CBS.
In a recent example of the former, a woman who had been divorced for more than two decades only recently started to collect alimony payments.
When Paul and Theresa Taylor divorced in 1982, they split amicably and waived any right to alimony. Through the magic of the justice system, Ms. Taylor convinced a Massachusetts judge to make a new $400 per week charge to Mr. Taylor’s pocketbook.
The Taylors’ situation exemplifies the need to reexamine alimony, or finally just wipe out marriage and let the homosexuals win. (Haven’t they been trying to ruin it for years? That’s what I heard on the radio.)
IDS Column: What the Republicans need is a dance number
Republicans, you need to step up your game. I’ve always strived to be independent and not side with any particular party, but you guys are making it hard.
“Unattractive Vampire Not Getting Any Despite ‘Twilight’”
One day every semester the IDS Opinion page pretends we’re The Onion and produces a fake news page. Because we’re original, we call it The Radish.
IU Freshman and eternal vampire Derrick Hardy was rejected last night when he attempted to seduce mortal sophomore Ashley Smith. Hardy was surprised at the response, having assumed his vampirism to lead to instant action. “I re-enrolled in college specifically to hook up with undergrads. I’m immortal. Why else would I spend thousands of dollars in tuition? I have seven doctorates now.”
Hardy played everything by the book, specifically the Stephanie Meyer series. Despite recreating the exact habits and activities of erotic-fantasy character Edward Cullen, Hardy has had little luck winning over mortal women. Smith woke up in her room two nights ago to find Hardy standing in the corner, staring intently at her. “He was just standing there like some reject mannequin and when I asked him what the hell he was doing in my room, he looked like he was about to throw up. Then he threw up.”
Hardy expressed a severe devotion to Ashley. Not one of love and care but a barely controllable, never-ending desire to eat her. Upon realizing Derrick’s intentions, Smith instantly rejected the idea. “Look, there are a lot of bonuses to dating a 17-year old with a personality from the 1920s; the idea they have of women as second class citizens, they sparkle in the sunlight like a survivor from a glitter factory explosion, and he’ll likely kill me in a blood rage if we ever have sex. But Derrick’s not that good looking. If you can take the personality of a serial killer but place him in a model’s body, we have a deal.”
As Hardy slinked home through the shadows he reflected on his strategy. “I was reading up on this Nosferatu fellow. Might look into that.”
IDS Column: Obama wants to eat your kids
It’s two in the afternoon; do you know where your children are?
Perhaps they’re at school, hearing President Obama’s speech to students. Or maybe you kept them at home today, protecting them from the harmful rays Obama will be transmitting out of the talky box.
Yes, tremble in fear.
IDS Column: It’s a vagina, not a clown car
“TLC” has stood for many different things.
In the ’90s, it meant female hip-hop with condom wrappers used as fashion statements. For 50-year-old women baking pies, it means tender loving care. What we’re focusing on today is its other meaning: The Learning Channel, or as it should be called now, “Woah, Look At That Weird Family Channel.”
What once contained programming only a home-schooled kid could love has now become a circus of strange family setups. The tent pole of this carnival is the Duggars. Like some twisted Dr. Seuss book, the Duggars have 18 children.
That is not a typo. We’re biologically driven to make sure our genetic code carries on, but here we’re looking at insect-brood numbers of offspring.
Part of the Quiver Movement, which celebrates having families big enough to play full baseball games, the Duggars raise the question of when it’s appropriate to forcibly remove a person’s reproductive organs. It’s hard not to sound insensitive, as the reason for their multitude of moppets is faith-related, but at what point is a person’s right to practice their religious beliefs overridden by common sense?
I don’t want to physically stop these people, but someone needs to sit the Quiver families down for a nice chat. Dr. Phil, why aren’t you on this?
Michelle Duggar home-schools her kids, somehow teaching 7-year-olds as well as 17-year-olds. The quality of their education is doubtful, as even trained teachers can’t give adequate attention to every student in the classroom.
There’s only so much time two people can share with their kids. If the Duggars don’t sleep, that gives each kid a maximum of 80 minutes a day to be alone with their parents.
If nothing, the law of averages guarantees that one child in a huge family will be emotionally messed-up or at least develop an affection for music by Marilyn Manson.
“Octomom” became famous earlier this year when the single mother became pregnant with eight children in addition to the six she already had. While she became generally reviled in the media, she still became a media focus and developed her own reality show.
Any rational person would observe these related stories and learn from it, but there are unbalanced people who will look at these events and think that’s their ticket to becoming famous.
I can only imagine what the next eccentric family setup will be. Cannibals who eat one of their kids every year? A pastor and his demonically possessed family? How about “Brother, Brotha,” a show about minority kids with different dads?
It’s hard to champion a giant family like this. It’s offspring gluttony, as our world is already overpopulated. England has started to run out of places to bury bodies, and some American women are turning their ovaries into Sam’s Clubs.
China might be onto something with their one-child policy, which has reduced population growth by 300 million people in the past two decades. Well, except for that trend of abandonment happening with female infants.
We’re having trouble not screwing up kids with one or two siblings. Maybe President Obama can stimulate our medical economy by giving tax breaks on vasectomies.
Originally published in The Indiana Daily Student on August 24th, 2009
IDS Column: The Wolves Must Hate America
“George W. Bush is no longer president”. Say that phrase with me. Let it mull around in your mouth for a while. Savor it. While you’ll be able to say that for the rest of your life (ignoring some bizarre chain of events that leads to the removal of the 22nd Amendment and him back in the White House), it won’t ever taste as sweet as right now with the bitterness of the last eight years fresh in your mind.
Today, millions stumble around the nation in an Inauguration hangover. Because of this, most will miss one of Bush’s last actions of power: removing the grey wolves from the federal endangered species list.
Previous attempts to remove the wolves in both the Great Lakes and Rocky Mountain regions from protection have been shot down by the courts. The Bush administration’s new plan to put wolves in the crosshairs is frightening when you look at the numbers. As of the last two years, population numbers put the wolves around 4,000 in the Great Lakes area and 1,500 in the Northern Rockies. Endangered species lists are based off these numbers, with protections trying to insure that there are enough animals around to fall in love and settle down together.
I don’t try debating the ethics of hunting with others anymore. I tried the deadly game myself as a child, clearing out a pond of cute little turtles at my uncle’s farm. It triggered a fascinating combination of emotions in me. With every shot, I felt more and more empathy for those little turtles whose presence apparently disrupted the farm. At the same time, a sense of pride filled the Clint Eastwood in me with every bull’s eye. For hunters, the former must be much more powerful for them. For an oversized child like myself, the adrenaline rush was quickly replaced with a sense of guilt. Every August 2nd, I set a series of paper boats out into the sea in memoriam of the turtle genocide I participated in.
What’s wrong with the protection lists and the attempts to remove it is the scrutinizing of these population numbers. When 4,000 wolves are endangered but 4,001 aren’t, that is madness. Of course this is exaggeration, but the reality is that there are hunters who get more excited about the carnal relations of wolves than late-night Cinemax. I can imagine these people watching wolf population charts online fondling their rifles in participation. If you’re someone charged with helping these animals procreate you’re not just saving a species, you’re working hard so that eventually someone else can kill them.
If the administration’s plans fall through before Bush leaves, like Karl Malone shooting a fade-away from the half-court line at the buzzer, it’s likely Obama’s administration can reverse it just as quickly. But when considering the plight of these wolves or any other animals, perhaps a new line of thinking is needed. If there’s debate at all over how many animals need to be spared, perhaps it’s best to give them some more breathing room. A few extra wolves can’t hurt.
Originally published in the Indiana Daily Student on Jan 20, 2009
IDS Column: My Virtual Gun Doesn’t Discriminate
Take away the bleeding eyes, and this is just someone who's watching "Fantasia" high.
While some students spent their spring break partying in warm areas, I saved the world by shooting zombies in Africa.
Let me explain.
Resident Evil 5, as the numbered title suggests, is the newest sequel in one of the longest running video game franchises. Each title is pretty much the same: Zombies pop up from around the corner, you shoot them in the head as you scream like a little girl, repeat 200 times and roll credits.
Normally associated with bad dialogue, RE5 has come under controversy for its setting in Africa, where the two protagonists (one white and one black) fend off the hordes of undead, some in ceremonial garb.
Those who try to be politically correct might feel an initial shock at the imagery of a white man in authority shooting at African villagers. But after playing it, a sense of reality reveals that there is nothing racist about the game.
For the other games in Capcom’s flagship series, no one questioned as people of other races were shot with bazookas.
Resident Evil 4, receiving high reviews across the board, is almost virtually the same as its successor except that the plot instead deals with Spanish zombies in Europe. I recall playing through that magnificient game and noticing the only flaw was that number of character models were in the single digits. “Is Capcom racist by subtly saying that all Spainards look the same?”, I joked to myself. If only then I had known the future.
No great upset was made about the poor depictions of Spaniards in the game, so why does it matter in the new game?
If you’re ever attacked in real life by waves of voodoo zombies armed with chain saws, you will probably not stop and consider whether it’s racially insensitive to defend yourself. This series isn’t about attacking people – it’s about unrealistic plots where one is just as likely to fight a zombie as a killer plant.
What would have been racist is if there hadn’t been minorities in the game. Video games are dominated by white male characters, perhaps because they are created by an industry dominated by white men. For a story taking place in a fictional region in Africa, it would be strange to find the villagers appearing as if they all came from Portland, Ore.
Granted, later in the game caution is thrown into the wind as the player encounters fully garbed tribesman armed with spears and random gibberish. Considering right before this level you have to fight zombie bikers and a giant scorpion-bat, I don’t think anyone takes this game as an accurate depiction of Africa.
Capcom does not have a history of attacking races, and its game doesn’t come off like an attempt to do so. The setting for RE5 merely comes off as a mix between the developers needing to move the game play to a new location to keep things fresh and the history of zombie lore being set in Africa.
What Resident Evil 5 does teach us is that minorities can become zombies, too. In an Obama world, isn’t that uplifting to think that zombies don’t see in color?
Originally published in the Indiana Daily Student on March 29th, 2009.
IDS Column: Spring Break Breaks Us Apart
Look forward to this, young students.
Spring midterms attract distractions like flies to garbage. There are the usual obstacles for our attention: Facebook notifications, girls realizing now that it’s warm they don’t need to wear anything more than a sports bra and tights…
But there is one thing we never consider: colleges with spring breaks at different times than our own.
As you read this, college students are making bad decisions in Cancun, Mexico. And MTV is probably filming those mistakes for some new reality show, perhaps called “Down and Out in Mexico.”
This weekend was predestined to be a marathon of studying, but it’s amazing how quickly that can be overturned by out-of-state friends coming to visit as part of their own spring breaks. How am I supposed to focus on macroeconomics when my BFF is out at some backyard party without my guidance?
Because our school schedules are not aligned, the world of academics is not in harmony. Here is an obvious example of IU not fulfilling my social needs as a student, in favor of something silly like academics.
Spring break fever seems to become a form of mini-senioritis. With the promise of relaxation and carefree fun on the horizon, it can be difficult to care about an 8 a.m. class.
While I understand the havoc an Internet connection can wreak on your focus, we are supposed to be fledgling adults. If we can’t be disciplined enough to power through a week of school, those of us without trust funds are not likely to survive in the real world.
This request is going to fall on deaf ears to those it concerns. I imagine any member of the IU administration who reads this to spill coffee as he or she laughs at the plight of us poor college students who are having a hard time studying. But please, person of authority – consider how much smoother things would run if the schedule were adjusted.
I propose cooperation with the other colleges in setting academic schedules, like a United Nations of studying. This problem goes beyond spring break. Summer, winter – no breaks are consistent. If students had schedule harmony, the planets would align, and we would all be the better for it.
Think of the strain local police officers have to deal with because outsiders come to visit their IU friends. And I’m sure there are faculty members who miss their professor friends at other institutions – think not just of us students, but of the instructors who need to get their swerve on as well.
Every college lists in its talking points that it’s trying to make students worldly. But how are we supposed to acheive that if we can’t even interact with our peers a hundred miles away?
Some adjustment needs to be made. Either move midterms after spring break, or create unity with the other students. This economy is in need of some stimulating, and nothing says “let’s spend large sums of money” like a road trip with buddies.
Originally published in the Indiana Daily Student on March 10, 2009
IDS Column: Facebook remembers your drunk IMs
This girl INTENTIONALLY uploaded this on Facebook.
Last week was a tumultuous time for Facebook as the Web site worked out its terms of use.
A few key sentences were removed Feb. 4, changing how the site promised to handle user-generated content, and last week a backlash followed.
By the rules set early this month, any content you’ve ever uploaded onto the site could be used or sublicensed by Mark Zuckerberg and comapany. Even if you quit the service, Facebook would be allowed to hold onto archived files.
Only the most paranoid and meticulous people actually take the time to read Web site agreements. But when we blindly click “I agree” to log in, we open ourselves to a lot of potential danger – like Facebook’s usurpation of content rights.
I doubt the majority of content on Facebook is really worth anything. Go ahead, take the photos of college kids flashing peace signs, the status updates saying “Let’s get more drunk!” and the notes detailing 25 random facts.
The next great American novel is not going to be handed over for Zuckerberg’s use through wall posts. These terms of use generally protect the site, allowing them to show users their friends’ content without fear of legal action. Without this, one could actually claim they weren’t expecting anyone to see something as simple as their status updates.
Believe it or not, Facebook is a business, and it will always try to protect itself first from legal action. Where the real problem lies is leaving your information footprint even after deleting your account.
In retaliation, I saw many friends removing their photo portfolios, poems and videos in hopes they would be protected from exploitation. By Tuesday afternoon some profiles were suddenly bare and devoid of material, like a family that moved out of its house in the middle of the night.
Be aware that everything you write and upload will stay on Facebook’s servers even after you delete your account. Once that embarrassing photo has been on the site, it will always be a saved file somewhere.
By Wednesday, the site reverted back to its old terms of use. Chris Kelly, Facebook’s chief privacy officer, is one of many who stepped forward after petitions started to be drafted in protest. In his words, the site does not own our data and content and never will.
While the threat has died for now, we should take this as one more example of how careful we need to be.
The Internet is the new Wild West, with law and enforcement still being established. Even if your work is protected, its presence on the Internet does not guarantee it won’t be used.
If you ever put any content on the Internet, expect it to stay there. Perhaps it’s not best to start a feud with your roommate through a thread of status updates. Unless our nation embraces drastically liberal policies, aspiring politicians should just skip over uploading that photo album entitled “My new set of bongs and drug paraphernalia.”
Embrace the system, as fighting the Internet is as futile as trying to wade into the ocean and control the tides.
Originally published in the Indiana Daily Student on February 23, 2009.
IDS Column: Auto-Tune Out
"Redundant Chains!"
When you turn on Top 40 radio, it might seem like robots are performing the songs. Don’t be alarmed. While those are synthetic, digital voices you hear singing about love in the club and sexual double entendre, this is not that desolate future from “Terminator” where mechanical overlords hold sway. That robotic voice coming through the airwaves is only the magic of auto-tune.
Auto-tune used the powers of science to pitch correct singers into a usually noticeable warble. It is to music what Photoshop is to photography.
Auto-tune first came to prominence on Cher’s huge hit “Believe”, which should have been a sign from the beginning that it was destined for evil. It would be appropriate to name the plague of auto-tuning “Cher Syndrome” after the first person afflicted, much like Lou Gehrig’s disease.
The effect has grown in use recently as pop artists from Rascal Flatts to Maroon 5 to Natasha Bedingfield have all called on its aid. T-Pain (or as I like to call him “Everything That is Wrong with Modern Hip-Hop”) has embraced its use as his signature. Where once producers tried to deny and cover up it’s use, now mainstream artists are embracing it.
I’ve tried to be accepting of the “technique” as music history is full of times when new instruments and devices were introduced into songs to revolutionize their genres. In 1975, Kraftwerk introduced the vocoder which generated synthesized speech. The Beatles’ breakthrough “Strawberry Fields Forever” utilized use of a mellotron that relied on playing pre-recorded tapes of an orchestra.
Instead of introducing new types of music, auto-tune has become a gimmick for some and a way for untalented to singers to release hit singles. Where once Kanye West may not have had the ability to croon on “Love Lockdown”, now that is no longer a problem. When a listener chooses an auto-tuned song, they are saying that there are other factors more important than the skill of the performer like attractiveness or how well they can “pop lock and drop it”.
Jim Anderson, professor of the Clive Davis department of recorded music at NYU and president of the Audio Engineering Society sums up everything that’s wrong, “There’s no shame in fixing a note or two but we’ve gone far beyond that”.
I concede that this is pop music, and artistic integrity has never been the main concern. This is a genre where a emotionally tortured forty-five year old man writes a song in his basement and sells it to someone like Katy Perry to pass off as their own work.
What artists should understand is that sometimes the imperfection in a singer’s voice is what gives the song emotion and a depth to it. Five Iron Frenzy frontman Reese Roper was notorious for his vocals being off key, but the honesty and sincerity that would come from a performance meant so much more than anything an engineer could do in post-production. I’ll take that realness any day over Robotron 9000.
Originally published in the Indiana Daily Student on February 9th, 2009.
IDS Column: Something worth crying about
90 percent chance this is what's on TV right now.
Cable news has done a lot of things to me: moved me, informed me, and humored me (on purpose and not). It wasn’t until recently that they took away my sense of empathy. Perhaps best known for his role as “Terl” in “Battlefield Earth”, John Travolta filled the headlines this month when his son Jett died. I watched non-stop coverage of the death and instead of feeling a deep feeling of sympathy; I thought to myself “Why is this considered relevant news?”
Of course, any death is tragic and I’m not an emotionally cold man. I still choke up every time I watched the end of “Big Fish”. But what struck me as so bizarre about this news coverage and thus killed any emotional attachment I might have had was that it existed entirely because of Travolta’s celebrity status. I would assume that a family grieving would rather not have cameras perched around their home like vultures. I would rather have my news filled with information that affects me. Clearly the only ones who benefit from this are the news corporations and their ratings.
There was a lot of other news floating around in the ether for Anderson Cooper to talk about for 360 degrees: the upcoming inauguration, the impeachment of Blagovitch, ransoms delivered to Somali pirates, protests in Oakland, perhaps a war breaking out in between Gaza and Israel? While these stories might have been covered in some fashion, I trust that if a network like CNN has James Earl Jones’s voice to say their name, they are capable of finding other stories around the world worthy of reporting or at least expanding upon these stories past “The missiles came from here and landed there”.
I tried to imagine all the possible ways Jett Travolta death truly mattered to me other than one less person consuming our oxygen supply or perhaps how his dad might bring a different acting ability to his movies. If a previously unknown disease had claimed the boy’s life, or evidence had come out that Scientology withheld treatment (it hasn’t) then I would concede its relevance in the nightly news.
Globalissues.org estimates that today 26,500 children died around the world. These unnamed young ones perished due to a multitude of reasons: poverty, hunger, preventable diseases, perhaps even one or two from Kawasaki Syndrome like Jett Travolta. There’s two thing immediately wrong with these figures: that we choose to spend hours listening about one person while thousands go ignored, and that there wouldn’t be enough time in a 24-hour news day to mention every one if they tried.
The news we decide to support says a lot about our society. Where we spend months obsessing over Caylee Anthony, one tragic death, when there are 2,827 youth deaths from firearms each year. Perhaps it’s subconscious prejudice by choosing to highlight the deaths of white, upper class Americans, or perhaps it’s our inability to care about other human beings unless they are famous or extremely attractive. Maybe some day a time will come when news decides to give us relevant information. I can’t wait.
IDS Column: Pause Game
Work Work Work!
For gamers, the holiday season has cemented itself as worthy of celebrating just for the sheer number of game titles that hit stores. As the leaves fell and the air outside got colder this fall, I found myself looking online at the list of upcoming games the way Hercules looked upon his Twelve Labors: a mighty challenge that would reward me not with penance for slaying loved ones but with blistered thumbs from slaying death zombies.
Back in high school, playing through every hot new video game was a daunting task, but easily accomplished with dedication and a lack of social shame. Failure to keep up with the digital joneses was a deadly mistake as lunchtime conversations were based on knowing the biggest secrets like how many people Solid Snake killed in Metal Gear Solid 7: Stealth Mustache. Now that I am a “young adult” with extreme emphasis on the quotations, this noble tradition no longer seems viable.
In between work and study sessions I might be able to jump in a few quick rounds of Left 4 Dead but it’s just enough to curb my appetite and feel the withdrawal like Chevy Chase yearns for a time he wasn’t doing movies such as “The Karate Dog”. Interesting enough, I’ve noticed students don’t seem to count flash games as they procrastinate schoolwork, but some of these free digital distractions have higher production values than games from the last console generation.
It doesn’t help that the game industry chooses to release their top-notch titles all at once to capitalize on the commerce craziness we suffer during the holidays. The industry seems to be one of the few that’s recession proof as gamers would rather ensure they can chop up The Locust in Gears of War 2 than pay for this month’s heating bill. While it makes sense for your product to hit during a time of consumer spending, gamers suffer the other 9 months with paltry releases and bulging wallets just waiting for something worth buying.
When I was younger I would look at my older friends who rarely picked up the joystick anymore due to “important things” like college or marriage and say to myself, “I won’t conform to the system. I’ll always make time for this hobby. Also, there’s no way the new Star Wars prequels can be bad”. I don’t think it’s necessarily growing up that keeps my game consoles unplugged and covered in dust, it’s just the realization that if I don’t finish this research paper my life will become forfeit and then I’ll never have the chance to go adventuring with Link.
Have you grown up and shed your nerdy ways? If you choose to spend your free time reading the Wall Street Journal and watching the PGA Tour, then yes you’ve become one of them. But if you’re still paying attention to game reviews and debating with your colleagues whether Super Mario Bros encouraged drug use, then you’re in the clear. Don’t beat yourself up over your lack of time investment. There’s always retirement and nursing homes to catch up on everything you’ve missed.
IDS Column: R.I.P. Rick Roll
If only then he knew the potential for evil in himself.
I usually try to abstain from watching the Macy’s Day Thanksgiving Parade on television. Al Roker attempting to explain the concept of an Optimus Prime float is often too much for my fragile brain to handle. This year as the corporate mascots floated above the citizens of New York like new gods we were treated to a special surprise. As the Foster’s Home for Imaginary Friends float rolled by, the music stopped and out popped the god of internet memes; Rick Astley. As Mr. Astley lip-synced his resurrected hit, the crowd applauded and Matt Lauer casually announced, “rick rolling” as if it was common as saying, “and here’s Meredith Vieira with some hot new fashions for the fall”.
A small part of the nerd in me died that day my friends. Afterwards, the turkey didn’t seem so succulent, the Black Friday sales seemed not as mob-worthy, and my third afternoon nap was only mildly refreshing. I thought when Carson Daly rick rolled his audience that it would end there. It only grew. When practically every major website incorporated the video into their April Fool’s joke this year, I thought to myself, “Surely now the madness will end and I can trust again!”
It is with this that I plead to you my brothers and sisters: let the rick roll die.
A few years ago it was merely a tool of the hardcore internet demons, luring their friends into traps like “I found leaked photos of Heath Ledger as the Joker!” and rewarding their trust with a video of a one-hit wonder that for a redheaded teen had a surprisingly…urban voice.
The problem with Rick Astley’s siren song was that it broke the number one rule of being cool: being known by everyone. This is a struggle for internet memes as it is their nature to spread quickly throughout the populace. It might seem selfish to want to keep such a thing to a small group, like an inside joke told on the playground. The reason for this hoarding is that when you lose control of the joke, it becomes contorted and twisted until it’s as worthless as used sandpaper lacking its bite. When your mother sends you a care package from home and you happily open the wrapping only to find a picture of Rick Astley smiling at you, things have gone too far.
Too be frank, I always particularly loathed this particular shtick as it is the internet equivalent of the schoolyard classic “The Hand Circle Game”. If you don’t know what that is, search for it on Google Images and then have a friend punch you in the arm as you just lost.
I believe that a successful life cycle of a viral joke is comparable to a monarch butterfly; gracing us with a wonderful display for a short time before withering away with the changing of time.
We either bury this monster now or we risk seeing Rick on late night TV using his regained celebrity status to pitch Viagra singing, “it will never give you up and never let you down”.
IDS Column: A President Gone Viral
Obama coming at cha!
On Nov. 14, President-elect Barack Obama uploaded his first weekly address to YouTube.
While he won’t take office for a few months, Obama addressed his hope that Congress will provide aid to those suffering from the economic crisis. He also went so far as to say that if the problem is still there when he took office, it will be his first priority.
The video strikes up an immediate comparison to Roosevelt’s fireside chats in the 1930s. While I doubt families will huddle around the computer with warm cups of cocoa to watch, it is an excellent move on Obama’s part.
If he maintains a regular schedule, he’ll have more than 200 personal discussions with the American public during the next four years. I sincerely hope this happens and doesn’t deteriorate into a situation where Obama is too busy, and the videos are just Malia and Sasha Obama playing with the family dog. Actually, that sounds even better.
There’s something strange about seeing the next president alongside other YouTube videos of sneezing pandas and crying-scene kids, and it slightly cheapens the authority of it all.
YouTube is this era’s equivalent to the radio that Roosevelt used.
This isn’t new for Obama, a man who has whole-heartedly embraced the Internet more than any politician (except for maybe Howard Dean).
Before he was considered for president, Obama had a series of podcasts that detailed his work in the Senate and bills he was working to pass. These updates were enjoyable and held Obama slightly more accountable for what he was doing each week. Considering he hasn’t been in the Senate very long, I wasn’t surprised when the podcasts stopped.
If these YouTube videos are more enduring, it will be a tremendous step towards involving people in the executive process.
What’s been one of Obama’s biggest strengths in the political race was his effort to make Joe Shmoe feel empowered. By comparison, when Bush II spoke to the public, there was a general attitude of “Don’t ask so many questions: We’ve got this under control. Just sit back and watch me on this week’s ‘Deal or No Deal.’” This not only angered many, but added insult to injury when it became clear that even he didn’t know what was going on himself.
Bush and Obama contrast clearly in that one talked down to people and the other talked with the people.
When I go to a doctor, I appreciate when he or she goes over the explanations of my ailments and helps me understand why I’m taking the medicine instead of popping in for two minutes to poke and prod me before handing out a vague prescription and leaving. If you prefer not to involve yourselves with the political process, you’ll probably skip over Obama’s YouTube video in favor of “My New Haircut.”
Those who do take the time to use Obama’s new directive will find themselves more confident with how our president works for us.
Published in the Indiana Daily Student on November 11th, 2008.
In Defense of Stalking
Demented Astronaut or Lady With a Plan?
When Facebook announced the News Feed, a new era of stalking had begun. Anyone who’s spent a night prowling the site instead of doing homework knows the amazing amount of information you can dig up on your friends, and that new feature in essence activated automatic stalking. There was a tremendous uproar about it but in reality, the feeds were only giving information that was already accessible. Based off a super scientific poll among my friends, it seemed that most of us were digging up that dirt anyway. If you insist that this friend pursuit isn’t as common as I do, think about everytime the phrase “I saw on facebook that…” has come up in casual conversation.
Because of this, we’ve become more hyper-aware of stalking and it’s not uncommon to refer to someone’s behavior as “stalkerish”. Let’s move past the casual references and look at those truly deserving of the title: those who make mix tapes for someone they talked to for five minutes at a party. Those that you’ve learned to automatically push “ignore” on your cell phone when they call. I’m ignoring the next level up: those that are more likely to follow you in their rusty van. That’s not stalking as much as it is kidnapping and felony.
I’ve started to feel sympathy for these awkward men and women who don’t know how to express themselves and come off as emotionally balanced people. Like communism, the motives for stalking make sense on paper. If you feel attached to someone why not send them text messages to hang out, leave jokes on their Facebook wall about the one joke you shared, or make small dolls out of their hair?
At some point around middle school, there was an unspoken test that everyone one went through that consisted of figuring out how to build relationships. For the sorry few that either lacked guidance or were misled by John Cusak films on how to express love, they became the kids that were slowly shunned by society and have been lost ever since. Stalkers just never learned to play the social game.
Social interactions are really a constant strategic game whether we are aware of it or not. If stalkers exist on the lowest side of this, Dale Carnegie is on the opposite end. Carengie wrote the hugely popular “How to Win Friends and Influence People” which consists of techniques and tips on manipulating others to get your way. The book comes off part helpful and part evil. If I know anyone has read this book, I’m less likely to agree with any statement they make out of fear of falling for some psychic technique they control.
There are some dangerous people out there, but most stalkers are just harmless people who never learned our complex system of social interactions. Personally, I’m more afraid of the girl who’s learned “six ways to make people like you” than the one who’s cut out my photo and put it over a picture of Zach Efron.
Originally published in the Indiana Daily Student on November 11th, 2008.
Politics are so scene right now
What Obama is going to do to bipartisanship
As you read this, I’ll be volunteering during Election Day. I’ll be providing backrubs, hot towels and words of encouragement to those in line to vote. I look forward to the chance to converse with my academic peers, many of whom are voting for the first time.
It’s been strange to see apathy turn into passion toward government this fall, especially as one who once decried the uninterested attitude of my generation. I sometimes think the best thing would be to reinstate the draft to finally force those with their heads in the sand to actually take an interest. Vietnam showed us nothing says “I suddenly care what policies my government enforces” like a draft card.
I used to have an elitist view that I was generally more educated in the ways of Washington. This was dangerous thinking.
David Hume once said, “When men are most sure and arrogant they are commonly most mistaken, giving views to passion without that proper deliberation which can secure them from the grossest absurdities”.
I’ve seen some take amazing strides into this world of legislation and speeches, making points and arguments I hadn’t considered before or for a long time. Just like refusing to try new flavors of jelly beans, we stifle our growth as people if we don’t consider everyone’s opinion valid and worthy of a chance to be heard.
Some of this resentment from the more politically seasoned might be due to the process of becoming jaded the more you involve yourself in government. There’s a bit of jealousy to see someone so optimistic about government and what the president will do in office. I have this same feeling towards those who think Santa is real, pining for the days I thought magic was real and someone was always watching me besides the CIA.
The feeling is strikingly similar to the music scene. Having followed Obama since his 2004 Democratic National Convention speech was like being a rabid fan of a band before MTV sweeps them under its corporate wing to be exploited and placed on Slushee drink cups. His weekly podcasts were like his first LP. His television special that aired last week was like a sold out arena concert; something Obama’s rallies are often compared to.
Obama is an excellent candidate to vote for, and based on polls of young voters, it seems a large majority agrees. The sad fact, though, is some who are so enthusiastic about Barack’s message of change will realize over these next few years that not everything on his platform will happen. The reality of bureaucracy is that Obama will spend most of his time trying to fix mistakes from the Bush administration, and knowledge of that makes us cynical when we see someone so happy about possibilities. As much as I’ve been harassed by volunteers, I applaud these people for choosing to be active on a Saturday morning going door-to-door instead of sleeping through a hangover.
Originally published in the Indiana Daily Student on November 4th, 2008.
