[WDES] Not yet!

These are exercises from a writing group called Write Drunk, Edit Sober. Just exercising brain muscles. Please don’t take these too seriously. Not my most polished work. This week’s prompt: “A story that ends abruptly at the Climax…”

I keep thinking about Pee-Wee Baseball. How boring it was in the outfield, waiting for something to happen while the pitcher got all the glory. There are spots in that grass that will never grow back; I spent too much time pulling up blades for anything to come out of that Earth. Nature knows not to try there. Often I’d look forward to a rain shower; stopper of all boring baseball activities, doorway into an afternoon of playing videogames. Thank you, Native American Rain God.

Rain like cold showers, snapping you awake. The worst and best thing for you on a groggy morning. In those minutes, as the water hits your skin like a thousand tiny knives, there’s nothing else you can think about. The one time I didn’t mind cold water was when Tiffany- I mean, Deb- and I got caught outside without an umbrella when I was trying to be “spontaneous” for her. When she leaned in at that random traffic crossing…Tiffany. No. Not what I need.

Um, what else? That dead carcass I saw in my backyard when I was a kid. I don’t know why a fox would die that far away from the treeline. Maybe he knew it was coming and wanted to be near the warmth of our house. Tiffany. Maybe he was just moving across Illinois and our mowed yard was an inconsequential part of his path. I couldn’t stop staring at it. Just hundreds of maggots crawling around inside of what looked like a fox fast asleep. After dad poured gasoline on it to kill them, I swore my coffin would be sealed and made of iron. That won’t happen to me, no sir. Fuck you, maggots.

Ok, this isn’t helping anymore. Maybe think about Mandy. That was sex. Tiffany. No. It wasn’t. It was me lying down and a girl I’m not attracted to just grinding all over me. Nothing about that was hot. Tiffany. She seemed to enjoy it. Good for her.

God damn it. Think faster. Father Levi’s boring lectures. All In The Family the TV series. Tiffany. No wait. No. Tiffany. Jesus. Stop. Wait, slow down, Tiffany. Stop. Tiffany. Let me readjust. Tiffany.

Sorry.

If you give me a few, I can probably try again.

Shit.

Chad Quandt

Video: “Dirty Skies” Graphics

Video: Grenade Jumper

Made for Campus Movie Fest at Indiana University. I wrote, directed and acted in this one. Really happy with how it turned out. The short was nominated for Best Comedy and is currently in the running for the Audience Choice Award. Enjoy.

Stand-up: Funny Bone Bloomington (March 26, 2010)

Column: Too fat to fly? Deal with it.

Silent Bob hasn’t been so silent recently (cliché news story opening accomplished).
Last week, director/actor/geek spokesmodel Kevin Smith started a Twitter campaign against Southwest Airlines after he was bumped from a flight on account of his size.
If you want the full story, listen to Smith’s hour-and-a-half detailing of the events on his podcast, Smodcast.

I’ve been a fan of Smith’s work since I was a youngling. I was also a fat kid (now I’m more of a stocky one).

Despite my past allegiances, I cannot side with the heavy folks in this regard.

Column: Riiight Into The Friend Zone-ah

(the above title is best when played with the soundtrack from Top Gun)

There are many tragic things in this world: birds who can’t fly, kids who want to play in the NBA but will never break 6 feet, Lindsay Lohan, and the career of a child star. But more tragic than any of these is “The Friend Zone.” It is not a chain of entertainment facilities.

Column: The Breast of a Bad Situation

Australia, I get it. You are known in history as a penal colony where the Europeans dropped off their refuse like a lazy trash collector. It’s not so bad.

Our own country, like so many others, was built on slavery and the raping of a native people. But your recent actions are too much. Overcompensating by enforcing Victorian-era values is the wrong direction. What’s at stake is the most precious thing of all: women’s breasts.

The story was first released by the Australian Sex Party (an actual political party), which alone is awesome for existing. In an attempt to discourage child pornography, A-cup sized breasts are to be banned from films and magazines.

IDS Column: Was Coco So-so?

I will always remember this month as the month we lost one of our best talk shows.

Conan O’Brien stepped down as host of The Tonight Show on Friday, forever cementing Jay Leno in our generation’s minds as “Evil Chin Man.” Leno cannot stay in his reclaimed spot forever. Eventually his audience will die.

IDS Opinion: The new Facebook rules

Despite the sleepless nights I suffer over finding a job after graduation, the thing I wonder most about my future is how I’ll handle Facebook. I abandoned MySpace in high school, deciding that a site full of spam messages from bands was not the social networking I desired. Will we slowly abandon Facebook as we get older?
Will those of us who remain in CEO Mark Zuckerberg’s black hole of time be seen as those guys who hang around high school years after they graduate? Like Matthew McConaughey in “Dazed and Confused,”  we can always return to the site as a resource for young, naive girls.

As recent events have developed in online affairs, it might be the best thing for us to jump ship as soon as possible. Personal information has always been a mixed bag with Facebook: some reduce their profiles to nothing more than a picture and an e-mail address, while others use status updates to openly talk about their babies’ daddies.

Dumbledore Is A Dick