Dumbledore Is A Dick
IDS Column: Fools of a Took
A few weeks ago, the Democrats won their struggle to get the health care bill through the Senate . And I mean “won” as in “entirely lost sight of their original plans and produced a victory that is unintelligible to the American public.”
On “Countdown,” Rachel Maddow announced the bill’s passage and smirked like a librarian who had just reinvented the Dewey Decimal System. She seemed happy so I guessed I should be, too. I tried to reach down into my soul and pull out a sense of elation. Instead, the dark devil of reason appeared on my shoulder and snickered, “You fool! This is a false hope! That girl you’ve been chatting with on Facebook isn’t into you either.”
IDS Column: Give Comcast A Chastity Belt
Comcast purchased controlling stock in NBC Universal last week, and I cried in my bed about what it might mean for the future of television.
As I ran through the streets howling about the oncoming doom, I was met with little sympathy. Screaming paranoia isn’t a new thing for me, but I’m shocked at the casual disregard we take toward powerful companies.
People no longer cower in fear when they hear about “The Man.” Google is positioning itself to merge with our dreams via this newfangled Google Wave, and scientists have pioneered walking robots that can’t be tripped. The Matrix is real, people!
Read more…
IDS Column: Call of Doodie
The hype machine for “Call of Duty: Modern Warfare 2” has gotten to me.
Out of fear for my grades, I swore it off until Thanksgiving break. That didn’t stop me from spending time between papers watching webcams of people playing the game.
Yes, ladies, I’m single.
IDS Column: Buy me out of love
Sometimes, when a man loves a woman a whole bunch (or when a man gets a woman pregnant), they get married.
Sometimes these two people will discover during the years that they’re very different and get divorced. If they work through their differences and stick together, they become material for a sitcom on CBS.
In a recent example of the former, a woman who had been divorced for more than two decades only recently started to collect alimony payments.
When Paul and Theresa Taylor divorced in 1982, they split amicably and waived any right to alimony. Through the magic of the justice system, Ms. Taylor convinced a Massachusetts judge to make a new $400 per week charge to Mr. Taylor’s pocketbook.
The Taylors’ situation exemplifies the need to reexamine alimony, or finally just wipe out marriage and let the homosexuals win. (Haven’t they been trying to ruin it for years? That’s what I heard on the radio.)
IDS Column: What the Republicans need is a dance number
Republicans, you need to step up your game. I’ve always strived to be independent and not side with any particular party, but you guys are making it hard.
“Unattractive Vampire Not Getting Any Despite ‘Twilight’”
One day every semester the IDS Opinion page pretends we’re The Onion and produces a fake news page. Because we’re original, we call it The Radish.
IU Freshman and eternal vampire Derrick Hardy was rejected last night when he attempted to seduce mortal sophomore Ashley Smith. Hardy was surprised at the response, having assumed his vampirism to lead to instant action. “I re-enrolled in college specifically to hook up with undergrads. I’m immortal. Why else would I spend thousands of dollars in tuition? I have seven doctorates now.”
Hardy played everything by the book, specifically the Stephanie Meyer series. Despite recreating the exact habits and activities of erotic-fantasy character Edward Cullen, Hardy has had little luck winning over mortal women. Smith woke up in her room two nights ago to find Hardy standing in the corner, staring intently at her. “He was just standing there like some reject mannequin and when I asked him what the hell he was doing in my room, he looked like he was about to throw up. Then he threw up.”
Hardy expressed a severe devotion to Ashley. Not one of love and care but a barely controllable, never-ending desire to eat her. Upon realizing Derrick’s intentions, Smith instantly rejected the idea. “Look, there are a lot of bonuses to dating a 17-year old with a personality from the 1920s; the idea they have of women as second class citizens, they sparkle in the sunlight like a survivor from a glitter factory explosion, and he’ll likely kill me in a blood rage if we ever have sex. But Derrick’s not that good looking. If you can take the personality of a serial killer but place him in a model’s body, we have a deal.”
As Hardy slinked home through the shadows he reflected on his strategy. “I was reading up on this Nosferatu fellow. Might look into that.”
A Moment of Science: Get Angry, Think More Clearly
In my mind, squinting your eyes and looking confused = anger. This is high quality acting here folks.
